Repeat.......

Why is it just when you think life is going great that something comes along and drags you back to reality. I have always wanted a large family. I LOVE kids and having them around seems to brighten my days. I hate sitting here at home during the day without the sound of little feet running around. For the past year, we have been strongly impressed that we needed to try for another baby. Not an easy thing for me to take given my history, but we were obedient just the same. As time went on I was so strongly impressed that there was one more child for our family. I still feel this way; just not sure how the Lord wants that child to come. Here's the thing, after 2 miscarriages, and not being able to get pregnant on our own Brady and I decided to seek help from the Dr. and began the LONG process of starting fertility treatments. Temperature charting, cycle watching, counting days, watching moods, Pills, tests, more PILLS, and more TESTS, STRESSING OUT! And finally imagine our excitement when we find out it paid off and we were pregnant. GREAT!!! WRONG......after more testing we found out that my hormone levels were not high enough and after trying more pills,having more tests and ultrasounds here I sit having another miscarriage, my third. I am numb. Of course I have asked the question why me? Why us? I cry just thinking about how much I know it hurts the boys knowing yet another little baby sibling won't be coming to our home. I sob as Garrison prays nightly for his baby brother or sister to come back alive and live with him. I worry about Ethan who won't open up but chooses to grieve on his own at night in his bed, yet prays for me to have strength and not be sad so I can be a normal Mom again. How grown up is that.I hate causing them pain. I feel terrible for Brady who feels like he has to be the rock of the family. He really has been amazing from going to work all day, taking vacation to get me back and forth from the hospital, Christmas shopping, wrapping presents, making dinner, cleaning the house, doing laundry and holding me when I fall apart. I worry for his health cause he can't keep up this schedule. I feel like he hasn't had the chance to grieve. And here I sit helpless, numb, angry, sad, depressed and confused as the world outside spins around me. I search, I read, I pray, I ponder and I do know that this will come to an end. It is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel but I know it is there. I hate the pain. Not just the physical but the emotional. I need answers, I need relief, I need/want a baby. I have faith that it will happen. When I am not sure. So for now if I don't answer the phone or the door; don't take it personal. Brady and I have decisions to make. Things to talk about. We need to have time to grieve. I also need personal time to take this trial in life and get through it. Nobody can do it for me. (I really wish someone could! But lets face it I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.)

SO HERE'S TO BRIGHTER HAPPIER DAYS AHEAD!

And hopefully one day, a success story!